I have been reading little suggestions from people who comment on how they are coping with the pandemic and getting through life. There have been a curious assortment of ideas from chess games with two boards in separate locations, extended family trivia, scrapbooking and reliving vacations, culling through years of accumulated items, planting gardens, watching birds, and scavenger hunts. All in the effort of making a difficult time bearable.
Recently, I read about one idea that struck me as novel. It was written by a couple who work from home in a one bedroom apartment in NYC. They noted that-
Constant togetherness was too much!!!
So, in an effort to survive the times, they set up their offices in opposite sides of the apartment. They even scheduled their lunches at different times, so they had access to the kitchen separately. Then, when the end of the workday arrives, they light their fireplace and have a drink and dinner together. A natural coming together after the day spent apart.
It takes dedication and thoughtfulness to pull that off, in such a tiny space!
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Guess what? As much as we love our partners - There can be too much togetherness! This is not a failure, or a weakness in your relationship. This is actually an act of self love and love for your partner - to admit you need time alone, time to regulate yourself, time and space to think, breathe and just be. When we find ourselves surrounded by the same four walls, and same familiar faces, we can feel trapped and that can make our systems fall into overwhelm. And an overwhelmed system is not a fun person to be around. In fact, being in a state of constant overwhelm is a recipe for more fights, misunderstandings and general irritability.
When our bodies are becoming overwhelmed - the solution is to remove yourself and to allow yourself time to settle down, or work it out through exercise or an engaging task. So it begs the question -
How much is too much?
Take a moment to notice;
how much togetherness can you take, before you’ve had enough?
At what point does interacting with another human go from fun, to frustrating, to overwhelming?
On the opposite end of the spectrum - how much alone time do you need?
How long do you need to be apart before you start to miss your partner?
What about your partner?
What are their needs, their edges?
Do they prefer more togetherness or separateness than you do?
Now compare the two sets of needs.
It’s interesting to see that there is a sweet spot, a meeting in the middle, where both people can feel some breathing room as well as the joy of togetherness.
Another idea this couple shared was they tried to find something new to share with their partner - a kind of treasure hunt to show or discuss something new and expand their experiences instead of simply staying with the ordinary. This kind of effort to find something novel to share, shows a desire to enrich the life of their partner, just for the sheer pleasure of making them happy.
Might it be worth trying scheduling time together as well as time apart, even if you’re stuck in the same house? It might be worth a try to see if time apart does in fact , enrich your time together.
