I hear it all the time;
“If I tell them what I really think, It will cause a conflict and I will loose my relationship with them!”
Fear drips through this statement. The follow up is often the realization that instead of being honest and stating what works for you, you end up caving - again - and resenting the fact that your preferences and opinions don’t matter. You feel used, invisible and that you don’t matter.
The trick is to realize that your fear is clouding the reality of the situation. You’ve made a couple of false assertions that are preventing you from having free and open relationships with those who matter to you.
False assumptions:
Your opinion is an imposition on the relationship.
All conflict is bad.
Conflict leads to rejection and abandonment.
Let’s unpack these assumptions and find out the truth.
1. Fact: You are responsible in your relationships to define who you are, and the edges of what is okay and not okay for you. People can’t possibly know what’s important to you, who you are, what you like, what you don’t like, what you want and what you need if you don’t TELL them. Most of the time people can, in fact, handle that you differ from them.
In fact, in healthy relationships learning about the unique qualities of our friends and family members is what allows us to get to know the other person in a real way. It’s a sign of trust.
Masking and faking only causes exhaustion and resentments to build. Give yourself a break. Relax and trust that you have every much a right to be here and assert your desires as any other person on the planet. Once you stop acquiescing your preferences, you will find that your relationships actually flourish. You feel more comfortable asking for what you want and need. This sets up a reciprocity of give and take where others can freely ask for what they want and need, and the two of you can then settle on what works best for BOTH of you.
Seek win-win. This is not a win-lose scenario. Win-lose is about power and control. Being yourself and allowing others to do the same is not about power over at all. It’s about live and let live and respecting the autonomy of every person. So how can you speak your truth, while allowing others to freely do the same? Once the truth is spoken - is there a way to broker the difference? Is there even a difference to solve? Or are you more aligned than you thought?
2. FACT: Conflict is a fact of life. No two people who endeavor to travel through time together will be conflict free 100% of the time. Conflict does not have to carry the weight of the past - of our childhood reactions, that all is lost and our safety and security is at risk. If that is your knee jerk reaction to conflict - it would be in your best interest to seek out trauma therapy to heal those reactions.
Being conflict avoidant means you are giving up significant portions of your autonomy. It means you will have relationships where the power balance is off, and the other person holds the majority of the power. Unfortunately, you have given them the power simply by your unwillingness to engage in conflict. Another reason you find yourself resentful of others in your life, and quite possibly are accused of being angry. Face it, you are angry. You’re just not allowing yourself to admit it.
Admitting your anger, becomes the first step to asserting yourself, your wants and your needs. Remember, your wants/needs are not more or less important than anybody else’s. Again, if you believe your needs are less important, I urge you to seek out therapy to root out this destructive belief.
Every single human has wants and needs. All wants and needs are not selfish, immoral, or harming others. In fact, most of our strongest needs are for love and belonging, purpose, affection, community and legacy. We cannot demand that any one person meet our needs. But we can certainly ask for what we need. It is our responsibility to meet our own needs. There is a healthy interdependency in being human, where we do put others needs forward because it builds affiliation. Being vulnerable is tough, but a necessary ingredient to build trust.
All of this assumes that the people we are asking to help us meet our needs are safe and trustworthy. If they are not safe and trustworthy, our best efforts to reach out might be rebuffed or twisted into a weakness - which we are not. Consider the source. Is the person we are in relationship with healthy themselves? If not, then reconsider asking them for our wants and needs. They likely cannot help us.
3. FACT: Conflict doesn’t always lead to rejection and abandonment. It is quite likely you have had experiences in childhood where your needs were dismissed or ignored, you were shamed or ridiculed for having needs. Most children had those experiences. Gabor Mate talks about the fact that children necessarily demand their needs be met by parents - who may or may not have the bandwidth or capacity to meet their children’s needs. A child requires attachment to a parent for survival. If a child feels their survival is in jeopardy they will choose attachment over authenticity (stating what they want and need) every single time. And that sets up a pattern of swallowing your needs for the good of the relationship. You are in fact lying to yourself and the other person that things are “fine”or “okay” when you are not even giving yourself a chance to speak up.
Part of trauma work is recognizing that you are no longer living in your childhood body or home. You are, in fact, an adult who has the ability to get your needs met. By stating your needs you might make someone upset or inconvenience them. However, your survival is not dependent on them fulfilling your need. You have options and the ability to get your needs met in other ways. You have autonomy, a brain that can problem solve, and creativity. You are no longer a child who has to conform to parental demands. This can be scary. However, not doing this, is betraying yourself, your needs, your authenticity.
So to the current problem of being in conflict with another person. You have the right to state your position. Backing down and relinquishing your position does not allow for the relationship to be authentic, genuine and honest. Backing down has you stuffing your feelings, denying your anger and resenting the person and situation you are in. You then beat yourself up and create even more internal drama.
Enough. Be honest with yourself. Say what you mean. Be kind about it. You don’t need to add fuel to the fire. You can be firm without being mean. Be okay with being uncomfortable with asserting yourself. You may in fact be surprised by how it all plays out. Many times we envision horrible things happening when we are assertive. Most of the time our worst case scenarios don’t play out.
There are the people who time and history have shown can’t handle conflicting wants and needs at all. You do have the right and responsibility to speak your truth. You also have the right to be treated with kindness and respect. And we return to boundaries. If that person cannot respond to your request in a respectful and adult manner, by all means, tell that person you do not wish to be demeaned, yelled at, accused, reprimanded, abused, belittled, etc. If they cannot speak to you in a non-threatening manner then you will leave. Let them take that boundary in, and see if it changes their approach. If it doesn’t, use your feet and walk away. If this pattern continues, then its time to take a serious look at how much space time and energy this person deserves to have in your life - no matter what the relationship level may be.
You are allowed to say No. No is a complete sentence. No allows you to take care of yourself, without abandoning your own needs. It keeps you from becoming resentful. It allows you the freedom to say a full and honest yes. Practice saying no.
Most people want relationships to work. Many of us, didn’t have great role models on how to do healthy relationships. Healthy relationships involve brokering conflict. Conflict is not the death knell of relationships. Conflict is an invitation to connect. If we are willing to be brave enough to stick with it - long enough to try something new.